Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans
by fantasy137
Summary: It's not normal to see Jason running around like a lunatic. Well, this isn't a normal one-shot. Follow Piper on a quest to cure him. "I wonder who enforces food policies up in Olympus." Well, I haven't got the answer to that, but I do have a randomly funny story. Wanna read it? Come on in. One-shot. Slight Jasper. R&R/


**Looking for some totally random fun? You've come to the right place! This had taken up a lot of my time, and I'm actually really proud of it. Please do not stomp over my hopes and dreams. Read it, laugh (hopefully), and in the end, don't forget to review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or locations used. All rights go to Rick Riordan and Disney-Hyperion.**

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**Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans**

Piper was looking for Jason. After checking his cabin, the Arena, and the fields, she was heading over to Bunker 9. He would probably be working on the ship. Walking through the woods, she reflected upon the last few days. She and Jason were now officially a couple, and the thought gave her a warm and fuzzy feeling. Of course, she also felt a lot more nervous than she usually did around him. And she still couldn't shake the feeling that she was doing something wrong by dating him.

The wood was silent as Piper walked through. It seemed to be a very peaceful, sleepy, type of day. She finally reached the Bunker and, seeing the entrance open, walked in. The smell of coffee greeted her, along with a whole lot of smoke, which contrasted heavily with the peaceful atmosphere outside.

She reeled back, coughing and trying to wave it away. This, however, was a normal occurrence. She ran to the nearest bush and pulled out the fire extinguisher that was kept there, dragging it back to the Bunker. She pulled on the trigger and saw the water spray out everywhere. Eventually, the can emptied of water and the smoke cleared. Piper coughed and tossed the extinguisher to the side, stepping into the Bunker and trying to clear some of the smoke by waving her hands. She saw Leo sitting up straight, dripping wet, and very confused.

"Did you just spray me?" he accused.  
"You set the Bunker on fire. _Again_," Piper answered calmly, walking to a plastic drawer in a corner and taking out a towel. As she was walking back to Leo to help dry him off, something hit her foot. It wasn't heavy, but it was the kind of thing you stepped on, slipped on, and then broke your foot on. She looked down and saw that it was a paper coffee cup. She looked around and saw that their were about a dozen of them. She frowned. "Leo, did you drink all of this coffee?"

Leo blinked before answering. "I haven't had any coffee today. Why do you think I fell asleep?"

"Then who drank all of this?" Piper asked, raising an eyebrow. Leo shrugged.

"I don't know, but they better not have finished it." He got up and stretched, walking to the small coffee machine and filling a cup with the rich brown liquid. It seemed darker than usual. "So, what brings you here Beauty Queen? Shouldn't you be kissing Jason in some secluded corner?"

"That's actually why I'm here," Piper said, remembering that she was here to find her boyfriend.

Leo's eyes widened. "Please don't make out in front of me," he pleaded. Piper rolled her eyes.

"Don't worry. Is Jason here? I can't find him."

Now it was Leo's turn to roll his eyes. "Yeah, because it's not like I was _asleep _or anything." Just then something – or someone – came barreling over, knocking Leo over, and sending his coffee flying.

And of course, that was the day Piper was wearing a plain white shirt, so the coffee just _had _to spill on her. Thankfully, it wasn't too hot, and she avoided getting burned severely. But still, it wasn't exactly comfortable to have hot coffee dripping over your clothes.

"Leo!" Piper cried angrily, using the towel in her hands to try and wipe it off. It only spread more.

Leo, who was now sprawled on the floor, mumbled, "Sorry to destroy your designer clothes." Piper threw her towel at him.

"Shut up Valdez. What was that?" This question was quickly answered.

"Coffee, coffee, COFFEE! Coffee, coffee, COFFEE!" Piper turned and saw Jason jumping up and down, arms flailing as he sang. As you can imagine, it was a sight to see.

"What happened to him?" Leo asked, peeling himself off of the floor.

"Twelve cups of coffee, that's what," Piper answered.

"Well, he's acting crazy. Even for twelve cups of coffee," Leo announced. Piper sighed and watched as Jason flew – yes literally – to the spot where the Argo was being built. "Oh no, you don't!" Leo shouted, chasing after him. Piper watched the scene with mild amusement before turning to examine the coffee machine. She found the bag of coffee beans at the bottom and bent to get a closer look. She groaned when she saw what it said.

"Leo!" she called.

"Right here Beauty Queen," Leo said, as he pulled an uncooperating Jason away from his ship.

"These aren't normal coffee beans." Leo wrinkled his nose.

"Then what kind of coffee beans are they?" he inquired.

"Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans," Piper read. "Perfect for becoming hyper and getting that extra boost you need to fight monsters! Great for playing pranks on your friends! One cup is equivalent to 5 cups of normal coffee!"

"That's a lot of coffee," Leo commented.

"Yeah that's…five times twelve…" Piper said, trying to do the mental math. She wasn't succeeding.

"That's 60 Beauty Queen," Leo suggested, with a triumphant smirk. Piper glared at him.

"You know I'm not good at math. Not all of us are born with the ability to figure out proportions in the blink of an eye," she snapped. "And besides the fact that he just had 60 cups of coffee, it has a highly addicting quality."

"I wonder who enforces food policies up in Olympus," Leo mused.

"Leo! Focus! That is _not _our biggest problem right now. Jason just had way too much caffeine! What are you doing?" Leo had poured himself another cup of coffee and had just taken a sip. Piper knocked the coffee out of his hands. He just grinned madly with wide eyes.

"That is some good coffee I think I need some more yeah I need some more coffee because that coffee is so good and so tasty and I must have more because it is so delicious now move out of my way woman so I can get some more coffee because it tastes so good," Leo said at a rapid speed without the slightest pause.

"No Leo," Piper said, laying on the charmspeak. Leo's eyes shrank and he stopped smiling.

"Man, that stuff has some kick to it," he muttered, rubbing his head. Piper was just happy he was back to normal.

"Maybe I can charmspeak Jason too!" Leo shrugged, but taking it as a green light, she turned to Jason and spoke his name. He stopped zooming around the room and stood to attention in front of her.

"Must have coffee," he said, in a voice several octaves higher than his usual speaking voice.

"Calm down. That coffee is disgusting," Piper said calmly. Jason shook his head violently.

"No, no, no. Coffee, coffee, COFFEE," he argued. Piper frowned. Too much coffee, even her charmspeak wasn't working.

"What are we going to do now?" she asked Leo, who was watching with a bemused expression.

"I don't know about you, but I have to go set the Stoll's on fire," Leo grumbled, walking to the exit.

"Why?"

"Because, clearly, they're the ones who did this," Leo said, as though this was obvious. He turned and marched out of the room, hands blazing. Piper sighed. There was only one person she could think of who could help her. Annabeth.

"Jason, come on. We're going to visit Annabeth."

"No. Coffee first," he answered stubbornly. Piper sighed.

"Fine. Follow me, and I'll take you to coffee." Jason gave a loud 'yay' before skipping - yes skipping - after her. She led him to the Athena cabin, and sure enough, Annabeth was sitting at a desk inside, examining some blueprints.

"Hey," she greeted, looking up as the couple entered. Her eyes fell upon Jason, who was currently doing the robot. "What happened to him?"

"Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans, that's what," Piper huffed. "And I need to snap him out of it."  
"I can see that," Annabeth said mildly.

"What do I do?" Piper asked desperately.

"I have no idea."

"What? B-but, you're a daughter of Athena," Piper stuttered, disheartened by this news.

"Yeah, but coffee beans aren't covered," Annabeth said. Her expression turned thoughtful. "Why don't you try talking to Clovis?"

"Fine," Piper said, turning to give these new instructions to the caffeinated Jason. She found him glaring at her.

"THERE'S NO COFFEE HERE! YOU LIED TO ME!" he screamed. Several Athena kids looked up from their books and gave disapproving looks. Piper could've sworn she saw one kid draw a knife under the table.

"Um…they moved it. I'll tell you where it is outside," she said, pushing him out the door. It was no easy feat, and she found herself wondering how Leo had managed to go it. Once they were on the grass, and away from the glares of Athena kids, Piper relaxed a bit.

"Where is coffee?" Jason yelled, running his words together.

"In the Hypnos cabin," Piper began, but before she could finish, Jason was flying - yes flying - away. "Wait! You have to take me too!" Piper yelled, taking off in the direction of the Hypnos cabin.

When she arrived at the normally silent cabin, it was chaos. Jason had flown into the cabin, woken up all of the campers, and was now chasing them around the cabin. Clovis was cowering in a corner.

"WHERE IS THE COFFEE? WHERE IS THE COFFEE?" Jason screamed, running around madly.

"We don't have coffee!" Clovis screamed back, but the way he did it was almost calming. "But we have a wide selection of teas! Can I offer you a cup of chamomile?" he offered.

"COFFEE," Jason thundered.

"Tea," Clovis replied weakly. "Trust me, it's a delicious flavor. And if you're not a chamomile fan, you can try some lavender. It's my personal favorite."

"Do you have coffee flavored tea?" Jason asked, pausing.

"No."  
"COFFEE, COFFEE, COFFEE," Jason continued, walking around the room as though he were protesting. His eyes fell upon Piper. "YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE COFFEE HERE?"

"Um…Clovis…little help," Piper managed to get out. Clovis didn't seem very pleased with that prospect. "Just put him to sleep!" Clovis nodded and snapped his fingers. Jason keeled over and landed face down on a conveniently placed mattress. Piper and Clovis adjusted him so he would be more comfortable.

"What was that?" Clovis asked warily once he was properly adjusted.

"Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans," Piper answered, feeling the sleepy atmosphere of the cabin starting to return. Clovis chuckled sleepily.

"Let me guess, the Stoll's. They tried that on us once too. Tried to switch out our tea with it. As if we wouldn't notice that we had coffee beans instead of tea bags." He walked over to a nearby bed and settled himself down. "If you want some tea…" he began thickly, but he never finished the sentence. He had drifted to sleep again. Piper checked on Jason one more time before leaving.

Jason slept for a whole two days. Piper spent most of her time in Bunker 9, with Leo and Annabeth. Today, she was sprawled out on a cleared work table, watching Leo and Annabeth argue.

"But Annabeth–"

"No Leo!"

"But it's funny!"  
"Yeah, well I'm not sure the Romans have a sense of humor," Annabeth responded. "Piper, back me up here."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Piper said calmly.

"Leo wants to paint the word '_WASSUP'_ on the bottom of the ship," Annabeth said, shooting him a glare.

"With a smiley face," Leo added, as though this would change her mind. Annabeth ignored him.

"Please tell him that this is a stupid idea."

"Come on, it's not _that _bad an idea," Piper said thoughtfully. Annabeth's mouth dropped open and Leo's hand shot into the air in victory.

"Take that! Beauty Queen agrees with me," Leo shouted happily, doing an awkward dance.

"No," Annabeth spluttered. "I said no."

"Yeah? Well I believe it is _my _ship, therefore I will do as _I _please," Leo said defiantly.

Annabeth looked at him and said dangerously, "What was that?"

"I said that you're completely right," Leo said, changing course quickly. "That's a stupid idea. That's what I was telling you Piper! See, you should listen to Annabeth."

"Excuse me?" Piper said, glaring at him. Leo seemed to realize that he was trapped, because for once in his life, he stayed quiet.

"Aw, come on guys! He's outnumbered. How is that fair?" Piper's hear skipped a beat when she recognized the voice. She turned and saw Jason standing there, hair messed up, eyed dazed, and a smirk on his face.

"You're awake!" Piper shrieked, flinging herself at him. Leo clapped his hands to his ears.

"_That _was an ungodly sound," he announced. Annabeth nodded in agreement.

"That was enough to bring the Statue of Liberty down," she added.

"Not really, considering that the base is constructed of…" Piper tuned the rest of the conversation out, as they started talking about base structures.

"I'm so glad you're okay! I was starting to get worried!" Piper said, her voice considerably more cheerful with the knowledge that he was alive.

"Yeah, but I have the worst headache ever," Jason grumbled, rubbing his head. "That coffee has some kick to it."  
"Don't you ever drink coffee again," Piper said sternly. "It causes a lot of people a lot of problems. You owe the Hypnos Cabin an apology for harassing them."

"Don't worry. Got that done," Jason said smiling.

"And you need to apologize to the Athena Cabin for screaming during their studying."

"Do I?"

"_And _you need to apologize to Leo for almost destroying his ship."

"Alright," he sighed. "Anything else?"

"Yes. You also need to apologize to _me _for scaring me like that," Piper answered, kissing him gently. A huge amount of coughing started – from Leo, no doubt – but Piper chose to ignore it.

"OI! THERE'S A SHIP BEING BUILT HERE!" Leo shouted, waving his arms madly. Piper frowned at him.

"Then stop staring and go build it." Leo gaped at her before walking away, grumbling. She turned back to Jason, thinking.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing…just wondering what Leo ended up doing to the Stoll's," Piper said thoughtfully. This question was quickly answered when the Stoll's – who had been working on the ship – walked over to get some water. They looked as though they had stuck their fingers into power outlets.

Their brown hair was standing up and sticking out in every direction. The ends were singed. Their upturned eyebrows were burnt as well. Immediately, Piper burst out laughing, with Jason quickly following. The Stoll brothers stood there, allowing the Bunker to laugh its insides out. Even Buford seemed to be chuckling.

"You think this is funny," Travis said shaking his head sadly as the laughter died down.

"This isn't the end of us," Connor added, as they turned and walked out of the bunker. As soon as they were out the door, the laughing restarted.

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The Giant War was now over. The camps had been having a party, like they so often did. Piper had snuck away, hoping for some peace. For some reason, her feet decided to take her towards Bunker 9. She shrugged, not really minding. She allowed her thoughts to travel as she walked through the sleepy woods, and for some reason, she was reminded of that time, when the Stoll's had decided to pull a prank.

It felt like it was so long ago, but it really wasn't.

_Clash. Bang. Clash._

Piper frowned. It sounded like something – or some things – were being broken. She broke into a run, racing towards the Bunker.

What she found was truly horrifying. Perhaps even worse than some of the monsters she had fought.

Leo Valdez was on fire, running around the room and yelling, "Flame on!" And in the corner, Piper saw a bag labeled **Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans.**

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___**Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans: Serving demigods for over 13 years**_

_Fighting monsters all day can be tiring, and it can be hard to stay awake! That's why YOU – as well as all other demigods – need an extra boost to get you the energy you need!_

_**Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans **offer that, and SO MUCH MORE!_

_Swap out regular coffee beans with **Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans **for the ULTIMATE PRANK! _

_One cup of **Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans **is the same as FIVE cups of regular coffee!_

_**Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans **are made from only the best, nothing less, so TRY SOME TODAY!_

_Warning: **Hermes' Bouncing-Off-The-Walls Coffee Beans **are highly addictive!_

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**Yeah, that ending ad was just something I threw in for fun. Too much? Lemme know what you think!  
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**Review!**

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